You have a bladder the size of
Fat Paul’s lungs. I’m spending more time driving
than you are. What? No, I was exercising back
there. Doing kegels doesn’t count as
exercise. It does when you can open a
pickle jar with no hands. Hey, you rememberStar Trek 3?
You know, the one where they go
back in time to steal a whale? You meanStar Trek 4?Nah, pretty sure it’sStar
Trek 3.
I’m pretty sure you still need
to make “L”s to know which way
is left. Oh, it’s this one, look! What’s your point, Dallas? I’m just saying that even the
goody two-shoes crew of the Enterprise gets away with
stealing if it’s done for the
right reasons. I knew you’d feel guilty for
taking The Woodsman’s trailer. Oh, what? Hell no! Trucking is
cutthroat. If The Woodsman’s not gonna
show up on time to pick up his
load, one that also happens to
come with a huge commission, then you have to expect the
D-Bird to swoop in and take the
prize. First, D-Bird is never
happening. Second, The Woodsman didn’t
show up late, we showed up
early. Meh, tomato/potato. Which, by the by, would both be
delicious with a pinch of the
Mercury Artisan Salt we just
picked up. I think you mean stole. WOODSMAN:(on speaker) Dallas,
you no good snake in the glade,
I have been
consigned to that there load you are currently matriculating
away with. Oh, fancy words. You really put
the dick in dictionary.(over comms) Besides, it’s
finder’s keepers, Jethro.
(horn honking) Ah, his virtual horn is driving
me nuts. How the hell do I turn
the sound off? The Virtuhonk is part of a
Semi-Safe 5000 safety system on
our rig. Everyone knows you never
disable your truck’s safety
feat– There’s no way that’s going to
come back to haunt us. (bumping sound) You and Robo is feelin’ up the
wrong thigh if you think I’m
going to let this go. I am flying to Earth’s moon to
file a police report on you two. And y’all know how popular
y’all is there. Shit. There’s no way we can
beat him to the Moon hauling
this trailer. Maybe there is. Woody, I think I have a way
for you to get this
trailer back from us.(over comms) I am folding my
arms in a listenary position.
You just need to go back in
time and get to Mercury before
we did. That way you can pick up the
fancy pants salt before we even
show up. Just what kind ‘a cotton you
trying to pull on me, trash can
man?! Time travel. It’s part of Dr.
Eichler’s microwormhole theory. If you slingshot around the Sun
with the proper coordinates, you can break the
Einstein-barrier and reverse
the flow of time. Boom!Star Trek 3.It’s4.I don’t know, Robo. How do I
know I can trust you? I’m a robot. Everyone knows
robots can’t lie. Is that true? Oh yeah. 100% true. I like them odds. I’m sending you the
instructions over the comms now. So I plug these into Lauraleen,
thrust the engines, and swing
her around the sun? ROBO: (over comms)Sure.Just like inStar Trek 6,
the one where they meet the
Lord. I live amongst animals. Hokey pokey, see ya all on the
flip side, suckers!Heh heh heh
heh heh…
Hey Robo. Hey come here, quick
question. No big deal. Um… Why would you help The
Woodsman, and more importantly why
wouldn’t you tell me that time
travel is actually a thing?! Please, time travel doesn’t
exist. I sent Woody a carrot cake
recipe from The Joy of Cooking. And if he feeds that
into his nav, the only trip The
Lauraleen will be making is a
trip to Philadelphia! Get it?! (sighs) Becuase of the
cream cheese? (too excitedly) Becuase of the
cream cheese! WOODSMAN: (over comm)
Help! Help!
My beautiful life is
flashing right in front
of my peepers.
Don’t worry, he’ll be fine.
He’s got safety features
on his truck. You mean the same ones I just
disabled on our truck? Yeah but he’s not
stupid enough to– WOODSMAN: (over comm)
Oh my God!
Why did I disable my
Semi-Safe 5000?! Aaahhhhhhh!You know, in binary code, the
recipe actually looks a
lot like– You lowlife bamboozlers! You
stole my damn trailer again! You’re alive?! What do you mean, again? (music) (music continues) Hell yes, I’m alive.
Why wouldn’t I be? You mean time travel
actually works?! You mean you didn’t know if it
worked when you sent me careening into the
gal-dang sun?! Wait, how did you get into The
Overdrive? Well I typed the codes into
Lauraleen, swung her around the
sun and ended up back in time.Y’all wasn’t on Mercury yet so
I was about to hook
up the trailer.
But then I thought, Heck,
all that fuss over
Mercury Artisan Salt,
maybe I’ll sneak in there
and take myself a lickety lick.And while I was in there,
you two pettifoggers
showed up and
stole my load again.
Again? But we only
stole it once. Yes, but to The Woodsman, this
is the second time he’s
experienced this reality.Only now from a different
vantage point.
Speaking of.
Where is me, anyway? He already traveled back in
time. He’s you. Dad gummit. Now I’ll never get
to see if my bald spot is
noticeable from behind. No fair!
I want time travel too! You know what this means? Time, in and of itself,
is malleable. Not just a straight line from A
to B, but a lump of mushy clay. Imagine being able to go back in
time and change the outcomes of
catastrophic tragedies, or influence the world events
for the good of all humanity… …or steal the salt from
ourselves, and double our money! Hell yeah, man!
I vote the fun one. Forgive them Einstein, for they
know not what they do. …and every room will be
equipped with crystal chandeliers and
complementary pornography. Ah shoot, the tourists will
love that Victor. Well I gotta find fresh ways to
bring people to Mars. Hey y’all! I’m back
from my delivery! Oh, butterfingers. Oh today’s horoscopes. What’s
your sign, Fat Paul? Well, you know I always assumed
Pisces but that’s just ’cause I
like the taste of fish. Hey hey, read mine, Ellie!
Those things are always good
for a lugh. Okay, Sagittarius. It says,
Stay positive, take risks,
and make it happen. Stay positive, take risks, and
make it happen. Hmm. You know what, Vic?! How about we extend our
shipping contract another
six months? Huh. Well, I like your sudden
and out of character
initiative, Danny. Let’s go for it. Wow! That worked like a charm!
Hey, you know what else I
always wanted to make happen… Crystal, it’s me Danny, from
high school. Yeah! Listen, I know I left you high
and dry on prom night, but that
was only because I was scared. I just want you to know that I
love you and I always have. What, you love me too? And your
husband just died?! That’s great news! You reading that horoscope is
the only reason I took this
chance. Thank you, Ellie. My life will never be the same. Are you sure we’re supposed to
be this close? I don’t know, we’re just
following the recipe! Aaaahhhh! Aaaaahhh! Amateurs. Brake! Brake! I’m trying! (both) Aaaaaahhhh!! (crashing sound) Suck a duck. Hahaha look at
that bald idiot! Um… That’s you, Woodsman. (yelling) Eeeeeyaaah! I am replete with discommode. I guess we have to pick
those knuckleheads up. Yep, right after we
steal their trailer. …and every room will be
equipped with crystal chandeliers and
complementary pornography. Ah shoot, the tourists will
love that Victor. Well I gotta find fresh ways to
bring people to Mars. Hey y’all! I’m back
from my delivery! Oh, fiddlesticks. Oooh, Sushi on Mars! I’ve been dying to try this
place, but I could never
remember the name. Order me that pu pu platter. I’ll eat anything if it’s
formed into a nugget. You know what, guys? I’ll just
order for the room. I’m so excited! Who doesn’t
love fresh, raw fish on Mars?!Konichiwa! Ogenkidesuka!…so as you can see, Dr.
Eichler’s theory was correct. Ha ha. That brilliant asshole. Imagine being able to go back
in time and change the outcome
of catastrophic tragedies… …or go back in time and steal
your own trailer. She gets it. (both) We should celebrate
with a drink! He gets it. (sighing)
I miss the me I
never got to meet. He’s like a phantom limb
I never knew I had. Like your undiagnosed gonorrhea. My what now? Afterglow Inn… Ah, I’ve been
dying to try this place. (too cool)
Oh you haven’t been? Hold up. Cannibal bikers. Son of a bitcoin, we’d need,
like, two more Robos to take on
that many bikers. This is really putting a damper
on drinking with myself. Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t we use this excellent
opportunity tonotday drink, but instead deliver
our two loads, get some extra money,
and explore the mysteries
of self discovery? Better idea, let’s go get
reinforcements, kick some flesh-eater ass,
and get dee-runk. Wow you’re brilliant.
And really really pretty.
How pretty is she, Robo? Oh God. Oop, my bad. No, no. Mine. Uh, well, technically this
Overdrive is mine. Maybe, but you did destroy mine
with your subpar driving… (both speaking quietly) Who does
this asshole think she is? Ooh! Double Dallas cat fight.
Me-ow! UNCLE DANNY: I’m feeling like
you were wrong on this one,
Fat Paul. I don’t think raw salmon
is supposed to smell
like antifreeze. I’m so. Cold. Out of my way!
I need the shitter! (vomiting sounds) We should probably stay out of
the bathroom for a while.I didn’t make it
to the bathroom!
Ugh, this is the
worst day of my life. I feel like it’s never
gonna end… …and every room will be
equipped with crystal chandeliers and
complementary pornography. Ah shoot, the tourists will
love that Victor. Well I gotta find fresh ways to
bring people to Mars. Hey y’all! I’m back from
my delivery! Whoopsie daisy. What the hell is this? It’s a flyer for your real
estate company. I told themnotto use the
photo with the eyepatch. I have stared directly into the
eyes of death itself and the eyes were my own. Ooh, I hope they got them
bowls of Oriental snack mix
on the bar. Hey! Which one of you candyass
asshats wants a piece of me? I do! I’ll take a bite! Let’s eat her! Wait. I’m confused. Looks like more fingers for me. Let’s get em! Time travel’s cool and all, but it’s kind of lame that we
keep going back to the exact same time we went to before. (grunts) Can’t we tweak it to show up
earlier or later so we don’t keep crashing into
the other Overdrives? Dallas, it’s complete
coincidence that those carrot
cake coordinates send us to that specific
point in time. We still have no idea why The
Woodsman went back farther
than we did. Changing even one ingredient
from the recipe might
just kill us. (grunts) In fact, the theory of
transdimensional microwormholes
suggests that… SNORE! (grunts)
(thump) Let’s get outta here! Where’d all the Dallases…
Oh right, the bar. Did we win? And that’s what allows the rig
to accelerate past the previously uncrossable barrier
that separates subliminal from
superliminal speeds. Just like inStar Trek 4!Exactly! Isn’t this amazing, Robo? Uh Dallas, I’m your Robo. No, you’re definitely
not my Robo. Yeah, it’s me. Oh, well you look shorter in
person. Here, we gotta fix this. Oh gee, thanks. Name tags
never look stupid. Now I look like an eighth grade
trapper keeper. I say we open up the invitation! More. More. More. More. More! More! More! More! Hey y’all! I’m back
from my delivery! Oh, golly gosh. Ah! A spider! Oh, well what’s wrong
with a itty bitty… Don’t touch it, Fat Paul!
It’s a Sand Spider. AAAAH! The pain is endless! Hey y’all! I’m back
from my delivery! Hey y’all! I’m back from my– Hey y’all! (cheering) Yeah! Heh, heh, heh, heh. No more me’s? Again?! Sorry Woody, you died horribly.
Over and over. And over. Was I dignified? No you were not. Hey y’all! I’m back
from my delivery! Oh, tarts and feathers! Huh, it’s a certified letter
from Earth addressed
to Fat Paul. Certified?! Oooh, I never
get mail. Hello, mail. Mmhm. You know what? I’m gonna go ahead and let you
do this ’cause you have such a
charming voice. “Dear Fat Paul, I’m sorry to
inform you that your great Aunt
Brittany has passed away. It was a slow, excruciating
death that will, I’m sure, haunt the myriad of people who
bore witness to the horror for
the rest of their days. On a brighter note, as her only
living relative you are her sole
heir. She has left you her PTSD
therapy pig farm along with an
extensive monetary fortune. If you do not respond to this by
the fifteenth, your inheritance
will be considered unclaimed. The pigs will be slaughtered in
front of each other so they all know what’s coming
for them, and the money will be
given to the Walmart family.” Well hell, that’s tomorrow.
You just made it! WOOOOOO! Oh my God! This is the best
thing I’ve ever heard! My vision board worked!
Every picture I ever
glue-sticked on it came true! Comfort pigs and money! We sure are going to miss you. Why?! I’m taking y’all with me!
We’re all gonna live together
back on Earth! You mean I get to leave this
God-forsaken hellhole and live back on that
beautiful blue marble?! We all do! I can even buy Dallas that race
car she wants so much. This is the greatest day
of all our lives! Just one more! Just one more! Yaaaay! There was no reason to even go
back that time! Hahahaha! Woooooo! Hey y’all! I’m back
from my delivery! Oh, milk and Kool-Aid! Huh, it’s a recall notice on
The Georgia Overdrive. Oh no, it says that the engines
might catch fire and explode if it tows more than twenty six
million tons at once. I should call Dallas and warn
her right away. Nah. That’d be like wiggle-waggin’
64 trailers, and when have those two jagoffs
ever worked that hard? Besides, that’s what the
Semi-Safe safety features on
their truck are for. Hey assholes! We need more salt
for the flaming tequila
shooters! What are you talking about?! We
got plenty of salt in those
trailers out there. (cheering)
Salt! Salt! Salt! Salt! When I say salt
you say salt. Salt! Salt! Salt! Everybody sit tight, I got it.
Robo, you’re with me. I think that one’s mine. I’m just saying, there’s only
one Georgia Overdrive. We can’t all work the
job at Moonshiner. Well maybe me and my Robo will
head to Earth and start racing
again. If anyone is racing it’s going
to be me. You can’t drive for
shit! Wooo-hoo!! Dallas! We need to talk. These
Dallases are getting a tad bit
out of hand. Agreed. All these imitators are
total Potsies. I’m the only
Fonzie around here. You’ve literally had the
opportunity to look at
yourself in the face thirty-one times and you’ve
still learned nothing. I’ve learned that every version
of you is a judgaholic. So look that in the face,
Bicentennial Man. Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie! Dangn man! Should’ve worn my
breakaway britches! Ooh! Wedgie! Wedg… Hey, focus up! I propose we backstab
these jerks, hop in The Overdrive, and sell
that fancy salt before any of the other Dallas
and Robos think of it. Oh, please, we’re the original
Dallas and Robo, we’ll always be one step ahead
of these copycats. What’s taking so long
with the damn salt? Those backstabbing copycats. This is really bad, Dallas. Is it, Peter Fonda? Or is it
time to cosplay a
littleEasy Rider?You know they both died at the
end of that movie, right? Ugh, spoiler alert much? What do you think they’re going
to do when they realize we’re
on to them? Exactly what we would do. So, in order to stop them,
we’ll have to do something
they’d never suspect. Something completely
out of character. You mean like, find sobriety
and develop a work ethic? (sarcastically)
Ha ha. ROBO:Man, it’s great to be back
in The Overdrive.
I never realized how important
she was to me until those other
two assholes crashed ours. Well we can buy two Overdrives
and a new race car and probably even our own
planet once we sell all this
fancy salt. Crap. Looks like someone’s
headed our way. My guess? Dallas and Robo. Huh, looks like they’re not as
dumb as I thought. You realize they’re us, right? Please, I’m the only Laverne.
They’re all total Shirlies. I wonder what they’re going to
do when they catch up to us? Exactly what we would do. Then we’ll have to do something
completely out of character. Ooh, like lose the soap box and
write a poem that doesn’t suck? (sarcastically)
Ha ha. (music) Pull over and give us
back our trailers. Oh hell no! They’re our
trailers. We’re the originals. Not to me you ain’t. Then come back and face us.
Unless you’re too chicken. I’m not chicken,
you’re chicken. (both) Nobody calls me chicken! You know that’s the worst part
of those movies, right? This is like the slowest, most
boring high stakes game ever. Hold on, Robo, I’m going to
meet her half way.
That’ll throw her off. Oh right, because she probably
has no idea how impatient you
are. (both) Bring it, turkey! She knows I’ll never flinch.
But I know that she knows I’ll
never flinch. So I should flinch. But she’ll
anticipate that I’ll flinch. But she’ll be wrong, because
I’ll never flinch. But she knows that, and she
knows that I know, and I know
that she knows. Whoa, this baby’s handling
sloppy as shit. It’s just your nerves, D-Bird.
Never let them see you sweat. You’re right, Rusty. Let’s give
’em all she’s got. AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAH! What the hell just happened?! The only thing I can think of
is that the engines couldn’t handle towing twenty-six
million tons at once. But that doesn’t make any
sense, we definitely would’ve
gotten a recall notice. Wow. Watching yourself die
sucks. I think I need a drink. WOODSMAN:I yield! C’mon, let me
down! Please! Ow! Please don’t
get a bulls eye!
My God, Dallas, we’ve become
the worst versions of ourselves. I can’t believe I didn’t see
this coming. Whatever Freud.
It’s not that bad. I can smell color. We need to put an
end to this. Totally. Totally.
Let’s totally end it. But first, I need to wreck
these assholes at beer pong.
BRB! C’mon you whores! Get ready to
have your asses ponged! (sad piano music) (sighs)Join us. Join us!If I replace the butter in the
carrot cake recipe
with margarine, the added trans fats
should propel me about an extra
twenty minutes back in time. Or it’ll send me careening into
the Sun where I’ll die a fiery
death. Either way, where I’m going, I
don’t need roads… No, wait. No, uh. Either way, where I’m
going, time keeps on tickin’ tickin’ into the–
no that sucks. Uh, okay. Like sands through
the hourglass, so– Nah. No I’ll just stick with the
roads one. I don’t need roooooaaaads!!!!! (soft piano music) Alright, I’m gonna
go make some water. Jeez, Dallas. You got a bladder
the size of– Well, she’s gone. Hey you missed a good one.
I was saying “You have a bladder the size of
Fat Paul’s baby–” (sad piano music) Sorry, man. (sighs) What were you saying
about my bladder? Oh something, it’s tiny,
it wasn’t that funny. Hey, you rememberStar Trek 3?You know, the one where they go
back in time to steal the whale? Nope. Never seen it.DALLAS: Really? Never seen Star
Trek 3? I find that hard to
believe.
Anyway, you know what’s weird?
Nose hair.
What is up with nose hair, am I
right? It’s like eyelashes in
your nose.
Why aren’t they called
nose lashes?
WOODSMAN:(over comm) Dallas!
You no good snake in the glade!
…and every room will be
equipped with crystal chandeliers and
complementary pornography. Ah shoot, the tourists will
love that Victor. Well I gotta find fresh ways to
bring people to Mars. Hey y’all! I’m back
from my delivery! Oh, nice catch, Ellie. Hey Fat Paul. How’s it going? Pretty good. I just keep
thinking about this weird dream
I had about my Aunt Brittany. Eh, I’ll give her a call in the
next couple weeks to make sure
she’s doing good. She about turned a
hundred and seven. Alright, I’ll see
you guys later. Racing? Huh.
That gives me an idea. Hey, anyone feel
like getting sushi? Eh, I’m not really feeling sush
for some strange reason. Anyone down for shawarma? Well, that’s funny, I haven’t
had Mediterranean food since
that night I missed my prom. I wonder… Nah. Boy, it sure feels like this
day lasted forever.