How many people watch television post 11pm… What do you watch after 11pm? Football, okay… What about 12? Or like after12:30… 1… ? (someone shouts) ”Ftv” Ftv? That’s what you watch? (judgemental nodding) Child… do you not know of the revolution called the Internet? See! Look at all the experienced folks… Leave the television… Come to the brighter side You’ll discover so many new things! You’ll go crazy!!! Make sure you watch this guy’s video And… What are you laughing at, Uncle? What? You’ve seen that guy’s video??! That is awesome Uncle rocks!!! (delirious audience member participates) “on the rocks” Not on the rocks! I said Uncle rocks! Didn’t I tell you about this guy?!
He took “Happy Hours” a lil too seriously There was a time when the country itself told you
to go to sleep after 11pm How many Gujaratis in the house?
Make some noise (Enthusiastic Gujaratis respond) How many non-Gujjus? (Some non-Gujarati enthusiasm follows) See, now you’re destined to endure and listen to me… I’ll try to keep you engaged and do my best,
the rest you must bear with So there was a time when national television instructed you to go to bed Earlier, you know what came on tv after 11pm? “Jharmaria” Dont worry, I’ll translate this Jharmaria for you non-Gujju folk… You had these black and white dots flickering on screen… And they would flicker away uninterruptedly till the morning (Mimics static noise) That’s all that you’d see … And when you didn’t have that, they’d show you the rainbow colour bar But times have changed.
Now, there’s television after 12! There’s television 24 × 7 What do they show after 12am? What are the programs post 12? Do you know? Yes! Exactly! Tellybrandss! But there’s one channel that doesn’t have any infomercials.. (Excited audience member participates again) “Ftv” No, you nincompoop! He still hasn’t gotten over that ftv bit! Do you know what they show on ftv at that time? “Use that bowflex” and “build muscles like these” So go buy it! Don’t just keep watching the ad! (to his girlfriend) oh he doesn’t need it? That’s amazing! (non-judgemental laugh) He’s too busy with Netflix? Aah… You lying devil! But there’s one singular channel that doesn’t have any such commercials! And that is our very own *TV Gujarati! Do you know why? Because they are cooking! 24 hours nothing but cookery shows! Cook! Cook! They seem to have no other business but to cook away to glory! You turn on the tv in the afternoon… you have “Rasoi (cooking) Magic” You watch it in the evening… “Kitchen Ni Rani” (queen of the kitchen) You watch it at 3am in the night… Repeat of Rasoi Magic Damn it! Which Auntie is cooking at 3 in the night? Literally. No, I genuinely want to know! Which Auntie in the night goes like “Chintu’s dad… Wake up!” “Quickly get a pen and paper… Hurry!… Write – two onions, one garlic” “Err.. sorry, not garlic… It’s a carrot… write, write!” “Quick, quick! Write it down quickly or else I’ll lose the ‘resip’ (recipe)” What the hell is “resip”?! I mean I understand we should cook! It’s a great thing! Because Gujarati cuisine is world famous! Right? It’s a good thing But please cook something reasonable that can go down the throat … Do you what horrific, dangerous dishes they’ve concocted? Mexican Dhokla! What the hell is Mexican Dhokla?! Another dish- Cheese Chinese Undhiyu! All Gujaratis know Undhiyu is already a joint family item! There’s no need to put anything more in it. If there’s any leftover food, that too goes in the Undhiyu. And this third item is a terrorising one! We do many shows during the wedding season, and perform at various events… We’ve noticed this item making it’s way to the mainstream catering menu! Wait till you hear about this one, it’s a classic abomination of a dish! Chocolate dhonsa! First off, there’s a technical issue!… not here in our Mumbai but more towards Ahmedabad… They use the word “Dhonsa” Sounds like a cussword… “Hey you Dhonsa, come here!” Unnecessarily they’ve add the phonetic nasalised vowel on top of the letter… “Please remove the dot, Auntie” This next incident is from just last week… It’s not even a joke I wrote, I just want to share this information with you. Everyone here has been to a South Indian restaurant, yes? They have a signature powder called the Malga Podi… Also known as gunpowder… So last week at this wedding in Ahmedabad, the name tag next to it read “Margha Puri”! I was like how the hell do you bring chicken in a Jain wedding? Margha Puri! Ridiculous !!! That’s why I say cook something that at least sounds right! Cooking away! Cooking away! Now my aunt went to one of these shows Is there anyone here who has been to any of these shows? Anyone? (Someone says “Ruchi”) Who Ruchi? You’ve gone to such a show? Where’s Ruchi? Ruchi, did you go? You didn’t?! Good for you! So my aunt participated in one of these cookery shows… Bhadra Auntie… Ya… Bhadra Auntie weighs 5500 kilos… …Approximately Let alone a nauvari saree, a saree long enough to drape this entire building wouldn’t be enough to contain her So she went to this cookery show And the saree she wore! Gasp! You should’ve seen it! I said “Auntie, it’s not your son’s wedding!” But she said “No! I’m going to be on tv, right?! … Then I need to go all out! The outfit should scream “Razzle Dazzle, watch me Sizzle!”) That saree didn’t have small mirrors embroidered in it like normal… Instead, those mirrors had some bits of saree in between them! And I don’t have a problem with them cooking.
Ya’ll cook, go ahead. But either cook in Gujarati or cook in Hindi and for God’s sake, don’t ever cook in English cuz ya’ll and English are have ancestral incompatibility The show had an anchor too who most likely didn’t make it in films “The Blood-Soaked Bandana”… or movies like “Concert in the Skirt” “Mataji I Am Coming”… She’s typically the heroine of all such films Now the anchor of that show Then the whole circus begins… and I’ll tell you the havoc that my Auntie unleashed there Anchor: Ms. Bhadra, what are we going to prepare today? Auntie: Today, we will be making a ‘sendvich’ (sandwich) Sendvich ! She stretched the sandwich so long, it turned into a Subway! Anchor: Great! So what all do we need for that? Auntie: For that, first of all we need to take a ‘kaybyej’ (cabbage) Kaybyej ! She invented an accented word that would put even Kathiyavaadis to shame Kaybyej ! Auntie, all you had to say is the Gujarati word “kobij” It’s not that far from the original word. But no! “Kaybyej” ! Anchor: What do we do with it? Auntie: well, first of all, we have make small ‘pisses’ (pieces) of it I was like, it’s not pisses… Gives you the wrong mental image… Pieces! Anchor: What next? Auntie: Well, after that we must turn on the “ghens” (gas) And they turn on the gas and ignite it with a lighter… They have lighters with my name as the brand Ojas Lighter My name was never used by any company to brand perfumes, underwear or vests or anything fancy… Directly the lighter arrived ! And would you believe?! The tv folks actually show you a shot of
how to turn on the gas… Wouldn’t we know how to light a damn gas? Do they think we all pile dung cakes in a lil mud brick stove? Anchor: Wow! Next? Auntie: now we have to ‘dip phraay’ (deep fry) this Kaybyej Why? If you simply use the Gujarati word for fry, the cabbage would get offended? Will it sulk? “No. I ain’t getting fried!” Then once the Auntie is done cooking, she goes “now this item is reydie” (ready) and now we sprinkle some Coriander to gaarnisssssssss (garnish) it” (Audience echoes the hissing) 65-year-old Bhadra Auntie… Hissing and whistling… on national television… looks so damn disgusting and inappropriate “And this dish is especially popular with the ‘keeeds’ (kids) during ‘vyacyasan’ (vacation)” Keeeds ?! Why? Why don’t these people use our own mother tongue? Use Gujarati… “my children like it… my daughter likes it… My son likes it…” But “no! Keeeds”! If that poor unfortunate “keeed” is watching at home, even he would be like “She ain’t my mother from now on…” I’m leaving this home -” “- with my teddy!” (kid walks off after disowning) Previously, these cookery shows would typically end at this. But now they have new additions… Auntie: Whatever I prepare, I have its first trial only on my husband So now the channel has these poor husbands stand in the show And they’re given an apron which is to be awarded to the wife … for proving herself as a superlative chef So, my poor Hitesh Uncle had gone to the show He’s no more… So, the late Hitesh Uncle… He went there We all suspect that he passed away from Bhadra Auntie’s cooking experiments… Just that we don’t say it in public. So the hyperexcited anchor goes to Hitesh Uncle and asks “Mr Hitesh, kindly say something about Ms Bhadra’s culinary talents!” There’s Hitesh Uncle on National Television holding the silly apron Uncle: (takes a deep breath and sighs!) “Bhadra… Cooks very well. Cooks everyday. Cooks despite every family member is against it. (Almost in tears from lying) And the taste is exactly like my mother’s cooking… Here you go honey, wear this hideous thing.” I always feel he is the one who should be felicitated… Give him a medallion for surviving even after eating food made by her And for every occasion, these ladies are ready with a dish… “Today we’ll make this vacation-famous dish… ” “Today we’ll make the wedding-special dessert” I’m just waiting for the day when the anchor asks “What are we making today?” Auntie: “Today we’re making the funeral-special sweetened flour balls!” “They’re super ‘phemus’ (famous)!… … and if you make these, the departing soul showers wholehearted ‘blasings’ (blessings)” Blasings! (progressive crowd applauds a death joke)