This was the logic
of a 20-year-old boy who didn’t know women at all. If you like a girl and she doesn’t
like you back enough, the worst thing you could do
is be like, “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m never leaving.” [grunts][dark electronic music][grunting][grunting][cheers and applause] – Ladies and gentlemen,
you know this next guy from his own podcast
called “Julian Loves Music.” Please give it up for Mr. Julian
McCullough, everybody. [cheers and applause] – All right, so I grew up
in a musical family. We care too much about music, and it hurt me real bad. I’m actually named after
Julian “Cannonball” Adderley. That’s Miles Davis’
saxophone player, which is a lot of pressure
to put on a tiny white baby. [laughter] But my dad loves jazz, and not
even the jazz you don’t like. He likes way worse jazz. My dad likes avant-garde jazz,
which is the kind that’s like… [squawking] And the drummer’s playing a
different song. [laughter] So I’ve always cared
too much about music. I get to college. I make the biggest mistake you could possibly make
in college besides go to Rutgers. I fell batshit, head over heels, crazy in love with the most
maladjusted, toxic girl I could possibly find, but when you’re 20, you’re like,
“They’re the hottest.” So there were red flags
everywhere. She walked into class
four days late. That was the first time
I ever saw her, four days late,
and half an hour late that day, she walks in, head to toe
all black. Black hair, covered in tattoos,
sunglasses. Sits down in the front row,
loud and pissed off, like– like she was trying to sleep, and we built
a classroom around her. She never took
her sunglasses off the whole time
at 10:00 a.m., so you’re either drunk
or an asshole. Either way, I was like,
“I’m Julian. What’s your name?” And… So I ask her out, and she says no
the first time. I ask her out nine more times. This is when I was young. I was hungry.
I was persistent. I’m not like that
at all anymore. Now I’m like a cat
on a windowsill with women. You know what I mean?
Where I’m like, “Meow,” and they’re like, “No,”
and I’m like… I have the sun. So… she finally agrees
to go out with me, you know what I mean?
And it’s amazing. It works.
We start dating. We’re boyfriend and girlfriend.
I can’t believe it. I’ve never had a real girlfriend
in college yet. And she’s dangerous and out of
my league. I’m, like, it’s amazing. The problem is,
it was never even. I was obsessed with this girl, and she was, like,
kind of on board that she had a boyfriend
from English class. Like, that was
the two levels we were at. I don’t know if you’ve ever
been in a relationship that uneven before,
but if you haven’t, I highly recommend it,
because if you’re confident, it’ll fix it. So… we’re going out, but I’m
miserable the whole time. I’m basically chasing my own
girlfriend in this relationship, and it wasn’t
completely one-sided. You know, we did have
a song together. She didn’t know
that we had a song together, but I picked a song
for both of us that I would listen to
alone in the dark when she wouldn’t call,
and it was called “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over”
by Jeff Buckley. It’s a very intense love song
from the ’90s. Yeah, he drowned. Anyway, I’m laying there
in the dark one night in my room alone,
listening to the song, and I get an epiphany
from the lyrics about how to handle
my situation. One of the lyrics is, “She’s a tear that hangs
inside my soul forever,” and I was like, “Yup.” But it called her a tear,
and that’s when I was like, “Oh, my God.
She’s had a sad life.” You know what I mean? Like, her dad ran out
on the family. Her mom was addicted to pills. Her ex-boyfriend
sold all her stuff for drugs one time when she came home. Everybody that’s ever said
“I love you” to this girl has also completely
screwed her over. So she thinks because I say I
love you, I’m gonna screw her over. I need to prove to her
that I’m never gonna leave, and then she’ll love me back. This was the logic
of a 20-year-old boy who didn’t know women at all,
because if you like a girl and she doesn’t
like you back enough, the worst thing you could do
is be like, “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m never leaving.” [laughter] What I should’ve done
is been like, “Let’s go to lunch,”
and then just left her in a field somewhere, and if she ever made it
back to town, she’d be like,
“You need a blow job. You’re mysterious.” So…I didn’t know that at the
time, you know. I was, like, 25 when I found
that out. So…
so I get an epiphany in bed, and I get out of bed that night,
and I’m like, “I know what I’m gonna do.” I walk a block down
to the tattoo parlor that’s close
to my apartment, right? You don’t know
what’s gonna happen. And… I walk in, and I go, “I would like
one tattoo, please.” And the guy was like,
“First time?” And I was like,
“You don’t know my life.” He goes, “What are we doing?” I go, “All right,
I’m in love with my girlfriend. “She’s kind of on board.
We need to fix it. “We have a song together
that she doesn’t know about “where he says she’s a tear that
hangs inside my soul forever. “She has a butterfly tattoo
on her bicep, “which is really cool. “I need that butterfly tattoo on my stomach,
where our souls are?” “With tears above it.” And he goes–
wait, what did he say? He goes–oh. “No.” [laughter] “No way, dude.
I’m not giving you that tattoo.” And I was–I couldn’t believe
it. I was like, “What are you talk–
this is a tattoo store. I give you money.
You give me a tattoo.” He goes, “That’s not how it
works. “That’s the worst thing I’ve
ever heard in my entire life. I’m never giving you that.” I go, “But–but I love her.” He goes, “How long
you been together?” I go, “Six months.”
He goes, “Get out “of my fucking store. I’m not giving you that tattoo.” I go, “Fine, I’ll just go
somewhere else and get a worse one.” You know?
Now he knows I’m mature. So he goes, “Ugh, all right. “Look, go home.
Wait seven days. “If you come back,
you still want it, and you’re not drunk,
I’ll give it to ya.” And I was like, “You’re on,
motherfucker.” And he was like,
“It’s not a challenge. I don’t want to do this.” [laughter] So I go home.
I wait seven days. I listen to the song over and
over again. I go back in,
put $200 on the counter, and he gives me this. [audience murmuring] [applause] So… that was 15 years ago, if you’re wondering if tattoos
are permanent. [laughter] And it’s somehow brighter today
than the day I got it. I don’t know how that happened.
It’s supposed to fade, right? About an hour into it, he’s
like, “I’m done.” I looked down.
It was a black outline. And I must have said, “Gayer,” ’cause it’s rainbow-colored
on the inside. I don’t know why I thought that
would be a good idea. That was 15 years ago. I’ve been doing comedy
for 13 years. This is the first year I’ve ever
talked about this onstage. That’s how long it took me
to be okay with it. [cheers and applause] Not because of you guys. You guys are very supportive. But all my friends are
comedians. You can’t show this to a
comedian. They won’t talk about anything
else ever. I don’t even want to get
off stage right now and go back to the green room. [laughter] I showed it to one comedian
friend one time, and he goes, “Oh, why didn’t you
just get two dudes “butt fucking on your stomach? That would have been less gay.” [laughter] And I said, “‘Cause those
weren’t the lyrics.” [laughter] You guys were awesome. Thank you so much.
Have a great night.[dark electronic music]